TL;DR: Children whine as a form of communication when they lack the skills to express needs. It peaks between ages 2.5-4 and is not manipulation. Effective responses include addressing underlying needs, compromising occasionally, scheduling quality time, using appropriate consequences, and taking breaks when needed. Don’t just ignore whining – acknowledge feelings while teaching better communication.
When you look at the big picture, whining isn’t the worst thing in the world – but it certainly can feel that way when your child’s mid-screech in the middle of a crowded restaurant or wailing away in the backseat as you drive home after a long day at the zoo. Whining presses on that one particular nerve in a way that has many a parent desperately seeking answers to questions like:
In Era’s podcast “Listen for the Why in Whining”, we explore whining from a scientific standpoint, looking at brain development, and from a behavioral one to help parents understand the whats and whys of that painful pitch. Then, we provide actionable suggestions from the experts on how to handle whining without damaging your eardrums – or your relationship with your child.
To deal with whining, it helps to understand why it happens in the first place. As the experts share, whining is just a kid form of communication. “It’s really a child expressing their emotional state or even their thought,” explains Dr. Neha Navsaria. “They’re trying to say they might be feeling upset, bored, anxious, or whatever.”
Peak whining typically happens between age two-and-a-half and four, though it is normal and common for it to continue beyond that. At this stage, the emotional part of the brain is more developed than the rational part, so whining isn’t necessarily something a kid wants to do; they just don’t have the emotional control to stop it or find another way to communicate. According to Dr. Navsaria:
There are a couple of reasons that whining drives parents up the proverbial wall:
There’s also that niggling fear in the back of many parents’ minds that whining is really just a kid being manipulative, but the experts say that really isn’t the case. In reality, our kids’ brains just aren’t developed enough to say what they want without sounding bratty. “Parents think, ‘My goodness, the kid is so smart to be able to pull this stuff,'” says child psychologist and author of the influential parenting book “1-2-3 Magic,” Dr. Thomas Phelan. “I don’t think so – I think it’s just there. ‘Evil genius’ it is not.”
Since whining is a stopping point on the way to clearer communication, we may be able to manage it by teaching our children how to tell us when they want or need something. According to Dr. Navsaria, “Whining and complaining are the precursor skills that lead to the healthy skill of how you articulate your need in a productive way or have problem-solving conversations with somebody.”
If you connect with your kid and help them identify what’s going on – they’re sad, hungry, tired – you can meet the underlying need to stop the whining now and teach your child to express and meet that need themselves to stop the whining in the future.
Until that happens, these strategies may be useful next time your kid starts whining like it’s a competitive sport:
To stop that from happening, acknowledge why your child is whining, getting down on their level and making eye contact. “Connect with them about it and problem solve around it.”
As your child’s brain develops, they’ll learn to manage and express their emotions, so hang in there. Whining doesn’t last forever, and this will get better. In the meantime, use it as an opportunity to make sure your relationship with your child does, too.
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