Being the parent of a tween can make you feel like a human punching bag or verbal dart board. Your kid spits venom for what feels like absolutely no reason, screaming “I hate you,” when you ask them to do the dishes or “You don’t understand!” when you remind them to grab an umbrella. Nothing you say is right, and sometimes what they say is so hurtful, it actually causes you physical pain.
We may be the adults, but that doesn’t mean dealing with our prickly teens is easy. They hurt our feelings and treat us with complete disrespect – and then do a complete 180, lowering their guard for hugs and snuggles. According to neuroscientist Dr. Alex Korb, this emotional whiplash is completely normal:
“A lot of times when we experience that conflict, it’s helpful to step back and remember they’re supposed to break away. Your job as a parent is to help them become their own independent person.”
Of course, helping them requires talking to them, and that’s often easier said than done. In this article, we’ll explore why kids become so prickly during puberty and share expert tips for talking to your moody teen – even when you’d rather give them the silent treatment.
Check Your Attitude at the Door
Your sweet, silly little kid might seem to turn into a sullen, sassy tween overnight. Here’s how to adjust your approach:
- Shift Your Communication Style
- Stop talking to them like they’re still little kids
- Recognize they’ve become critically-thinking, intelligent people
- Move from talking at your kids to talking to your kids
- Use respectful language and kind words instead of harsh ones
- Handle Button-Pushing Behavior
- Remember that tweens often push boundaries intentionally
- Understand they might start fights hoping you’ll give in
- Recognize when they’re taking out frustrations on you
- Take deep breaths and set your ego aside
- Focus on being the adult in the room, not winning arguments
- Say what you need to say without taking the bait
Respect Their Independence
Tweens are testing their abilities and limits, wanting more control over their lives. While they still need guidance, you can support their growing independence:
- Shift Responsibility Gradually
- Hand over age-appropriate control
- Step back from micromanaging
- Reduce nagging behaviors
- Let them experience natural consequences
- Example: Practice Clothes
- Instead of: “Did you put your practice clothes in the washer?”
- Try: “I think you’re responsible enough to be in charge of getting ready for practice. Let’s make a plan to help you with that. Then, I won’t nag you about your uniform or shoes – but if you forget, you’ll have to deal with the consequences.”
- Navigate Social Life Together
- Avoid making unilateral decisions about activities and friendships
- Open lines of communication about social situations
- Share your concerns and listen to their perspective
- Discuss details that might make you more or less comfortable
- Help them learn to make smart decisions independently
- Prepare them for handling sticky social situations
Using Empathy
Empathy is your most powerful tool with a moody tween. Dr. Korb explains:
“It’s helpful to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine if you had heightened emotional reactivity in your brain and reduced capability of actually managing that. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can sympathize and empathize with how they are experiencing the world.”
Ways to Show Support:
- Share your own stories of embarrassment or heartbreak
- Talk about times you were disappointed by friends, parents, or yourself
- Discuss how important your own friends were and your desire to fit in
- Laugh together about mistakes you made
- Respect their need for space when they don’t want to talk
Expert Tip: Tapping Into Empathy
Remember your own tween years by connecting with these specific scenarios:
- When They Hate School
- Recall feeling “stupid” or persecuted when you didn’t understand concepts
- Remember teachers who made you feel small or picked on
- Think about your own academic struggles
- When They’re Heartbroken
- Connect with your own first breakup or rejection
- Remember the sad songs you played on repeat
- Recall how earth-shattering those early heartbreaks felt
- When They Hate Their Appearance
- Think about what you disliked about yourself
- Remember dealing with pimples, baby fat, or other insecurities
- Recall feeling powerless about your changing body
Remember: You went through puberty too. When you truly connect with your own tween experiences, their behavior feels less like a personal attack and more like something you can handle with compassion.
Moving Forward
Support your tween with:
- Helpful Phrases
- “I’m here for you, and you’re going to be alright”
- “Things are hard now, but they’ll get better”
- Things to Avoid
- Telling them to calm down
- Suggesting they cry it out
- Explaining their emotions to them
- Telling them how they feel
Instead, focus on gentle guidance as they figure things out for themselves. Your role is to support their journey while giving them space to process their emotions independently.
