When you think back on Valentine’s Day as a kid, you probably remember the candy hearts and character cards – and hoping that special someone might “be yours.” These days it’s more complicated for our kids, and Valentine’s Day can actually be a minefield of disappointment and hurt feelings, much like it can be for adults.
Parents often grapple with questions like:
- Is leaving someone out on Valentine’s Day considered bullying?
- What do I tell my child if they don’t want to give a card to one specific classmate?
- How do I console my kid if they don’t have that special valentine or that party invite?
Understanding Bullying vs. Social Conflicts
According to psychologist Dr. Ruth Burtman, “Often, people we just don’t like are described as bullies, and they aren’t necessarily bullies – nor are we necessarily victims. When somebody’s feelings get hurt, it doesn’t mean they were necessarily bullied.”
What Qualifies as Bullying?
The Centers for Disease Control and the Department of Education define bullying by four key criteria. The behavior must be:
- Aggressive
- Repeated over time
- Based on a power dynamic
- Done intentionally to cause harm
“It’s never one incident that can describe bullying,” emphasizes Dr. Burtman. “It’s repeated over time.”
As children progress through elementary school, aggressive behavior often evolves from physical actions to social or relational aggression, such as:
- Gossip
- Spreading rumors
- Social rejection
- Deliberate exclusion
Handling Valentine’s Day Challenges
When Your Child Doesn’t Want to Give a Valentine
If your child resists giving a valentine to a specific classmate:
- Investigate the reason: There might be underlying issues, such as:
- Simple personality conflicts
- Ongoing bullying (either as victim or perpetrator)
- School-related problems
- Validate their feelings:
- Acknowledge that it’s normal not to like everyone
- Share your own similar experiences
- Help them understand that their feelings are valid
- Develop empathy:
- Try role-playing exercises
- Discuss how others might feel when excluded
- Share examples of similar situations
When Your Child Faces Rejection
If your child experiences exclusion or rejection:
- Remember: Not all rejection qualifies as bullying
- Use it as a teaching moment:
- Help build resilience
- Practice processing emotions
- Develop coping strategies
- Monitor the situation:
- Watch for patterns of repeated exclusion
- Stay in communication with teachers
- Keep dialogue open with your child
Expert Tips for Parents
School social worker Emily Kaiser emphasizes the importance of modeling appropriate emotional responses: “It’s so important for parents to model how to appropriately have all of the emotions, from the way you respond to a board game or a sports event to sitting in traffic.”
Ways to Model Positive Behavior:
- Watch Your Own Actions:
- Avoid gossip about other parents
- Don’t exclude others from activities
- Handle conflicts respectfully
- Practice What You Preach:
- Demonstrate kindness
- Show resilience in challenging situations
- Express empathy for others
- Build Emotional Intelligence:
- Help children label their feelings
- Share similar experiences
- Suggest constructive ways to handle emotions
Teaching Empathy and Resilience
To help children develop empathy and resilience:
- Help them understand and label their emotions
- Share relevant personal experiences
- Suggest ways to make others feel better
- Practice perspective-taking
- Encourage open communication about challenges
- Model compassionate behavior
Remember that life’s challenges provide opportunities for growth. By modeling kindness, resilience, and empathy, we can help our children navigate social situations more effectively and create a more positive environment for everyone.
