6 days
Four Elements of a Secure Attachment
Attachment theory focuses on the importance of forming strong, secure bonds between parents and children. In this pathway we discuss the four key emotional needs of the child that affect the formation of attachment: Boundaries, Autonomy, Safety, and Connection (BASiC)
Milestones
5 minutes
Securely Attached
Welcome to the first day of the Four Elements Pathway. Today we will start by exploring what a secure attachment is and how best to ensure your child forms and maintains one with you.
While a child has basic needs that must be met, there are also some key emotional needs that, when fulfilled, strengthen a relationship and guide a child toward self-confidence and resilience.
In this pathway we discuss the four key emotional needs of the child that affect the formation of attachment: Boundaries, Autonomy, Safety, and Connection (BASiC).
Attachment theory focuses on the importance of forming strong, secure bonds between parents and children. Secure attachment provides children with a sense of safety and trust, which is essential for their emotional and social development. When children feel securely attached, they are more likely to explore the world with confidence, develop healthy relationships, and manage stress effectively.
Reflect: Your role as a parent is to be Stronger, Wiser, Centered and Kind, but what kind of things do you need to do to help your child see you this way?
As your child grows, __the balance within the four elements (what we call the BASiCs) will change. For example, in their first year of life, safety and connection will be the most important elements.
As they enter early childhood, these needs shift, and by adolescence, autonomy becomes central, with connection, boundaries, and safety playing essential supportive roles.
It’s important to remember that each individual child’s needs differ as well. Some may not require strict boundaries if they are naturally self-disciplined, or might need more emotional connection, especially if they are sensitive and rely on that bond with their caregiver to navigate their world.
Reflect: Before we go into the specifics of each element (boundaries, autonomy, safety and connection), do you have a sense of what your child needs most right now?
Consistent Boundaries
In the last path, we introduced the idea of the BASiCs. Today we will focus on what we mean by boundaries and why they are important in maintaining a secure attachment.
As Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., author and expert in child development, said, “The most important thing that children need from their parents is love, but a close second is structure.” Boundaries are one way to provide structure in a child’s life, letting them know what to expect and when to expect it.
For most parents, setting boundaries is a natural part of parenting. We set rules like “no hitting,” “look both ways before crossing,” or “clean up after yourself.” As children grow, however, it gets harder to set and hold boundaries consistently.
Reflect: How well do you hold boundaries on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being most consistent and 1 being very inconsistent?
Consistent boundaries are a critical part of secure attachment. They help children feel more safe and secure. Because the part of the brain responsible for logic and thinking (the prefrontal cortex) is not fully developed until adulthood, children are not able of creating and holding boundaries to keep themselves and those around them safe from harm. For this reason, when adults set and enforce boundaries, it helps reduce anxiety and fear, even (and maybe especially) for children who struggle with them.
Think about it this way: If you were playing a new game, would it be easier to play if you knew the rules? And if the rules weren’t always enforced, only sometimes, would you recognize them as rules? Would you occasionally try to break the rule to see what would happen?
Reflect: What is the hardest part of staying consistent? Or What makes it easy for you to stay consistent with boundaries?
Fostering Autonomy
In the last path, we learned that children need consistent boundaries in order to feel safe and secure. Today, we’ll explore how fostering autonomy not only helps children feel valued and understood but also plays a key role in raising confident and self-assured individuals.
Children want to do things on their own, whether it’s learning to walk, feed themselves, or get dressed. Because children naturally imitate adults, encouraging this autonomy helps them feel understood.
When we allow and encourage children to try new things and solve problems, we are also building their confidence and helping them see their own strengths and limits. This is how they learn to trust themselves and grow into self-reliant individuals.
Children who see themselves as contributing to the household feel valued and purposeful, which is essential for becoming an adult who feels a sense of belonging and knows they have something meaningful to offer the world.
Reflect: Can you remember a time recently when you accomplished something you hadn’t attempted before? How did you feel afterwards? (Examples: One parent recalls fixing the leaking fridge after watching a YouTube video. Another recalled their childhood and remembered riding a bike for the first time.)
When you think about it, it becomes clear that a child feels valued and even understood when given tasks that foster autonomy. But how do you know when to let them do things for themselves and when to help them?
There is a balance between understanding child development and observing your unique child. A bit of frustration is good for them; we can’t learn without making mistakes. But too much frustration can cause a child to feel like a failure and lose their self-confidence.
Observation and intuition are the only ways to evaluate whether your child needs to be allowed to keep trying or have you assist. Give them time to try things on their own, but pay attention. Watch their body language and facial expressions. When they show signs of overwhelming frustration, ask if they want help before giving it. Allow them to continue to struggle if they don’t want help.
However, if your child always asks for help immediately, encourage them to try on their own and watch for signs of overwhelming frustration before helping.
Reflect: Can you think of some tasks that you would like to encourage your child to do that you currently do for them?
Emotional Safety
In the last path, we learned the benefits of fostering autonomy in our children, giving them confidence and a feeling of purpose in their lives. Today we will look at safety as a cornerstone of a secure attachment.
Reflect: How would you define “safety” in parenting?
The sense of a safe environment— both inside and out— is absolutely essential for growth and learning. This is rooted in the new understanding around neurological development we have learned in the last few decades. In a nutshell, brains that feel safe and secure are able to unlock the resources needed to engage in higher learning.
Children who feel safe are more likely to explore, which gives the base experiences necessary for their brains to take in and organize the onslaught of input they receive upon birth. This safety leads them to create an “internal map” of the world that includes the knowledge/assumption they will be cared for, which means they can devote their energy toward more exploration and learning.
The idea of safety in this context is not necessarily about physical safety, but rather about the child feeling safe. A child feels safe when:
- Their parent provides them with cues of safety, such as an encouraging smile or an affectionate squeeze.
- They feel their caregiver understands and values them
- They know what to expect and when to expect it (routines and boundaries are good for this)
- Their caregivers understand their role as Stronger, Wiser, Centered and Kind
- They don’t suffer from hunger, thirst, illness, or lack of sleep
Reflect: Imagine this scenario: Your child is terrified of a Halloween mask. How would you help make them feel safe? Your child heard about a school shooting. How would you help them feel safe? Your child is afraid of climate disaster. How would you help them feel safe? An adult is yelling in their presence, how do you help your child feel safe?
Keep in mind that if you are confident and can give them cues of safety, they will feel safe.
Often parents themselves are anxious when certain things arise. What are some ways that you can center yourself so that you can give cues of safety that your child can trust?
Nurturing a Strong Connection
In the last path, we talked about the importance of a child feeling safe and considered ways that you could help them feel that way. Today we will go over the importance of a strong connection and how this can help you in all other aspects of your parenting.
Remember the quote from Day 1: “The most important thing that children need from their parents is love…”. This cannot be overstated.
Most parents know this instinctively, but people show their love in different ways, and the way you naturally show love may be different from the way your child knows to perceive it. Children need to feel a connection in order to understand that they are loved. If you have a strong emotional connection with your child, all other aspects of parenting become easier. A child is more likely to follow directions, stick to boundaries, explore and learn, and feel safe if they have a strong connection with their primary caregivers.
Reflect: What are some signs that your child feels connected to you? What parts of the day do they seem to need more connection?
How do we nurture a strong connection throughout a child’s life?
- Show interest in their activities
- Allow all feelings (but not all actions!)
- Give physical affection
- Actively listen when they are speaking
- Engage in “repair” if you mess up
- Spend quality (undistracted) time with them
- Give them space to grow
This is a simple and brief list of a very important aspect of a secure attachment. For more in-depth information on improving connection we have many pathways that can help, including Connecting with Teens, Being a Playful Guide and Scheduled Connection.
Repair is essential to a good relationship, especially as children get older. When you make a mistake, you need to be able to admit it and promise to try to do better. Apologies are great, but only if they have sincerity behind them, followed by actions that show a commitment to change and a path to heal or reset the relationship.
Reflect: How do you feel your connection is with your child? Is there any part of your relationship that you want to work on?
Your milestones are precious ✨
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BASiCs in Review
Welcome to the last day of the Four Elements of a Secure Attachment pathway. In the last session we discussed that when your child feels connected to you, it makes parenting easier. Today we will review the BASiCs and help you figure out your child’s current needs.
When we talk about a child’s emotional needs in the Guided Parenting framework, we are referring to the BASiC acronym. Children not only need boundaries, but they need consistent boundaries. They also need to be given increasing autonomy, allowing them to explore and grow. They need to feel safe and have a strong connection with at least one primary caregiver.
These four elements give them the foundation for a secure attachment and an internal map that guides them toward healthy relationships and a positive view of the world around them.
Let’s finish this pathway with a discussion of finding the balance your child needs right now.
Reflect: Choose one child to focus on for all the questions that follow.
Note: These questions are not designed to evaluate your child’s needs, rather a jumping off point for you to reflect and observe.
Who will you focus on? How consistent are you in holding boundaries? How much do they push them?
Do you encourage your child to try new things? Do you let them struggle a bit when they want to do something themselves?
Does your child let you know when something is wrong or when they have done something wrong? If you are an anxious person, does your child recognize this? Do you vocalize your fears or cling to your child when they cling to you?
Do you spend undistracted time with your child each day (even if it is only a few minutes)? Do you give them physical affection each day?
What work do you want to focus on in your parenting?
